Unhealthy relationships are a landmark of childhood trauma for me. Not only because I have seen this in many of my clients but I recognize this cycle in my own life as well. When I look back at the relationships in my life, not many were healthy or successful. I used to have a weakness for emotionally unavailable men, would chase them nonstop, probably to their amusement. Chaos is what I thrived on. Some of these people would give in to my advances for a little while but now I know they were only using the opportunity and were never really interested in me. I believed I was unworthy, undeserving and that I must be so ugly and unwanted since all I was met with was rejection. Even in relationships that I would consider healthy, I was never able to really settle or plant roots. I was ready to leave for what I thought the next best opportunity was. I was chasing an unanswered parent love and had become love addicted.
My heart had been broken over and over again, before I could even talk. It only gotten worse as I got older. Hugs were non existing, even a kind word or recognition was not spoken. It was a cold and distant environment. One were love was conditional. I learned to perform for love, to abandon my own wants and needs, my intuition and voice. As the people pleaser I became, I would give myself away without question to whomever was willing to show interest in me. This lifestyle left me chasing to wrong and sometimes abusive relationships, rejected, used, married, but utterly alone.
In her book Mother Hunger, Kelly McDaniel talks about a pathological hope daughters form when their mothers are abusive. She states that in spite of decades of evidence that things will not change and will continue to be harmful, daughters hold on to hope that one day it might change. This pathological hope starts as a protective measure of course. Over time however, this pathological hope keeps woman stuck in painful relational cycles with others. Because in most cases, people have been adapted to this cycle from a very young age (source: Mother Hunger).
Jennifer Freys, PhD, spend years researching why some of us stay stuck in abusive relationships. She named this the betrayal blindness. It explains how adults can forget and not recognize when someone is being hurtful in intimate relationships. This happens because during childhood, we were depending on the betrayer. Our mother who was supposed to nurture us and provide safety and care, became a source of danger. Betrayal blindness helps a child survive a frightening mother. The child needs to bond to danger, resulting the brain to shrink danger signals. Overtime, our innate ability to detect red flags and risks gets messed up (Kelly McDaniel, Mother Hunger).
In her book Mother Hunger, Kelly McDaniel explains this so well thanks to the work of Jennifer Freys (PhD) as well. It proves that we are not insane for choosing these partners and continuing this cycle. After a while, I started noticing that I was dating the same person in a different skin. I had to start looking at my patterns, cycles and behaviors. Healing meant seeing through the betrayal blindness and heal the broken parts inside my body. Over time, I came back home to myself and after three years of being single, I can finally say that I am safe inside my own body and that what happened to me made me stronger and more resilient. I think that is true very every person who sees the patterns and cycles of childhood trauma and chooses to heal them. You are stronger beyond believe. Your whole reality can change and you don’t have to be a victim to your past or your circumstances. You can change your life, you just have to believe it is possible for you. I know that it is, because it was possible for me as well.
With Healing Vibes,
Vanessa
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