This post, I would like to dedicate to childhood trauma, my childhood trauma. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this kind of trauma. Childhood trauma can lead to CPTSD (Complex post-traumatic stress disorder) in adulthood.
I will first give a vague run down of what childhood trauma looked like in my life and how I overcame it. This story is my perception and my opinions only. I know all parties have done the best they could with what they have. This is not a blaming spell either. Just a listing of the facts, so it can hopefully help others feel heard and lead them to healing, because it is possible.
I grew up in a very disorganized and chaotic home. Both of my parents were very emotionally immature. As a sensitive, intuitive child, my emotions, voice and intuition were suppressed. I grew up thinking everyone was smarter than me, I was not worthy of anything good, had no social skills, and so on. Later I received mental health diagnoses of anxiety disorder, depressive disorder and CPTSD, I struggled with a food disorder (binge eating) and suicidal ideation until my early 30’s. My body was wired for survival. This trauma injury cut deep and took a lot of work to heal but I can finally say that I left all of that in the past.
My trajectory in life was not a positive one. In adulthood, I chased men who were emotionally unavailable, leading to lot of pain and heartache. I have had many relationships with narcissists, they just broke me down more. My second marriage was to a covert narcissist. This relationship broke me on every level and stripped me from everything. At that time, I had done a lot of inner healing already but this was the last straw to finally stop and start loving myself first. It has been 3 years now since that separation. In the past, I would hop right into a different relationship but I have been without a romantic relationship all this time. Finally I am able to build myself back up, heal deep, hidden wounds and learn to love myself. I am finally coming home and my inner world is changing rapidly.
I do believe my soul chose this life. I do believe my soul came here to learn the lessons that I am now learning. Knowing this doesn’t make the past less hard, it doesn’t stop me from holding people accountable. It does help me to understand my journey better and allows me to share with others and help them heal.
Like I said before, I don’t hold grudges. I understand everyone is doing the best they can but we should always put our own mental and emotional health first. If something feels off and wrong, we need to look at it. Our bodies and intuition knows before our minds do. The problem is that we learn to not trust our inner knowing.
Steps I took to heal:
- Acknowledging it was real
- Finding professional help (make sure this person is truly trauma informed, retraumatization by the wrong professional is real)
- Tend to your broken parts, talk to your body, talk to your inner child.
- Inner child healing
- Nervous system regulation, teaching your body it is safe now
- Ancestral healing, we carry trauma from generations before us
- Learning new positive habits
- Changing subconscious programming
- Getting to know who you really are
- Journaling
- Meditation
- Physical activity: whatever helps you, for me it’s yoga
- Discovering your dreams and purpose and working towards them
These are the steps I took and I must say it is not linear. The universe would sent me books, videos, healers and teachers right when I was ready for a next step. The first part of my healing I did with a licensed professional, the other parts I did with a coach and for the majority, I figured it out myself as I kept the healing journey going. The thing is, our bodies know what they need in order to heal. We just need to listen, trust and follow the breadcrumbs.
I hope this was really helpful for whoever needs this. If you enjoyed this and want me to write about another subject or something related, please let me know!
With Inner Healing,
Vanessa
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