Today I wanted to share the secrets of a healthy relationship. Honesty, there is no secret, just behavioral and social sciences. 🙂
When we are born, we need relationships to survive. As infants, we relied on caregivers to feed us and so on. When all our needs and wants are securely met, we build a strong sense of self and a positive belief in others. This would be ideal, but does not happen all the time. As infants we can attach to our caregivers in 4 different ways, these are called attachment styles. An attachment style is not a life sentence and is malleable luckily. It requires understanding and inner work.
In my opinion, why let our children figure it out in adulthood and possibly give a journey of grief?Instead, we can look into these attachment styles while we are raising them. This gives us the opportunity to serve them better, while at the same time, healing our own childhood trauma or attachment styles that do not serve us well.
For me, this has been a journey of years now. It has not always been an easy journey but totally worth it. When I look at my children today, they are doing much better than what I was at that age. Even though they are growing up in a single adult household, they seem strong in their sense of self and belonging in the world.
Let’s take a look at the different attachment styles:
Anxious Attachment Style
– insecure in relating to others
– intense desire for closeness
– deep fear of rejection or abandonment
Develops when primary caregivers are inconsistent with their care. They are warm and affectionate one minute and cold and distracted the next. This creates a hyper alert for others behaviors toward oneself.
Avoidant Attachment Style
– insecure relationship pattern
– keeping distance
– pulls away when things get serious
This attachment style develops when caregivers who ignore, reject or ignore emotional needs. Parents that are intrusive on private space and do not allow for healthy boundaries. During childhood, self- reliance is learned as a defense mechanism as relying on others for support felt unsafe or led to disappointment.
Disorganized Attachment Style
– pulling away when things feel too safe or close
– intense fear of emotional intimacy
– push-pull dynamic in relationships
Develops when a caregiver is a source of comfort but also chaos and fear. The caregiver can alternate between being deeply loving one moment and the other hyper critical and judgemental. The template build for love and safety in this situation is one of confusion.
Lastly, the one we all have wanted to experience and give our children.
Secure Attachment.
– healthy emotional bond
– feeling safe and secure
– safe intimacy and independence
During childhood, the child needs were met with consistency, warmth and care. They felt heart, understood while being allowed to explore the world safely, while always returning back to a safe place.
A Secure attachment style is what we all have wanted to experience, but in reality, this does not happen all the time. In order for parents to provide a secure attachment, they are required to have healed part of their own childhood trauma, actively working on it and understanding the concept. While a parent is still working through their own demons, they can provide a safe and secure attachment style by maintaining a willingness to repair mistakes. To foster a secure attachment style, it is said that parents only need to emotionally and safely respond 70% of the time. That gives us a little wiggle room, as our days and emotional state fluctuate as well.
Consistency and predictability are your best friend if you want to raise children with a secure attachment. Making mistakes as a parent is inevitable, but living up to those mistakes, being accountable, fixes the emotional break and returns the child back to safety.
The amazing thing is that you can start off one way, that being unconscious to it and just repeating patterns and triggers but once you become aware of it, you can change things. Recognizing triggers, giving yourself a break, stepping away from the situation, while doing regulating exercises can be really helpful.
I have seen this in both of my children. When my daughter was little I told myself I would raise her differently. Even though this was a conscious decision, the first three years of her life were a copy of my own childhood and my own attachment style. After finally realizing what was going on, I took the opportunity to seek help for my self and it allowed me to dig deeper into attachments and childhood wounds. Today, I have built a safe relationship with my daughter (11), because of doing therapy together but she has also learned the safety of my parenting. Even though it used to be different.
My son, who was born 7 years later was a totally different child then my daughter. I was not prepared for the triggers coming up raising him. I thought I had it figured out by now. Boy, he has given my a run for my money these last 3 years. The growth that I have experienced inside my own body, my subconscious programming and the ability to accept him for who he is have been truly a blessing and life changing. He is still little and I believe I am giving him a safer container then I was able to give my daughter at this age. I have messed up many times for both of them, but I always make sure I make amends.
I find this subject so fascinating and I can go on about it but I leave it here for now. What are your experiences? Or is this the first time you hear about this concept? I am curious to know, please share!
PS. If you are not sure about your attachment style, The Attachment Project is a great place to do a free quiz and to learn more about each attachment style.
Also, reading up on each style will give you an idea as well. You will recognize yourself in the description of a specific attachment style. In my opinion, you can have a little bit of each one as well, but there will always be one dominant one. Understanding your attachment style can help you get insight into why your relationships are they way they are and you can actively work on it, now that you have discovered the issue. 🙂 https://www.attachmentproject.com/
In curiosity,
Vanessa
Wholeheartedly 
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