It is interesting how I love to learn, be in school, sign up for yet another masterclass, listen to or read just another book and so on. Or my least favorite, (the one that has me climbing up the walls), is staying asleep for just 30 more minutes, or even worse, waking up feeling awake an hour before the alarm goes off but instead of staying up, going back to sleep. Even if falling back asleep takes more effort than staying up. It is just so much easier to go back to sleep and to excuse myself of the responsibility to create my own life and build a life I love. Those extra hours could be spent on writing, creating or whatever would light up my soul, but instead, I rather not take action even though my dream and my life depend on it.
I have tried it, I woke up early to “get things done” and my mind just goes blank. Yes, I will do yoga, I will meditate, take a shower, make coffee, water my plants, but then, what do I need to do with that extra 30 – 45 min? I do not want to scroll on my phone, I also don’t want to start my day with a TV show,.. so I just stare in the nothingness, wondering why I feel this way.
Today, my 3 year old is taking a late nap, which means we will be up for a late night. 🙂 Which ruins the lie I tell myself every night before bed, the “I will get up at 5am in the morning’. With my daughter being on vacation with her dad, I have the house to myself at the moment. The excuse of “I am too busy with my little guy” does not work. Again, I could just listen to another podcast or the book I wanted to pick up. This time though, I decided to actually use this time and work on something that I have been wanting to do put have put off for whatever reason. So here I am, writing my first blog. I had written a few blogs months ago, then deleted them. Could there be a pattern here?!
I love writing and since graduating last May from graduate school, I have been missing writing my weekly papers. So, I told myself that I have aprox 2 hours of nap time and I was going to write my first blog (again).
That is when the feeling hit me, again! My mind went blank! I went into panic mode and thought what am I going to write about, who is going to read it, who cares, and so on. Well, for instance, I care and that should be enough. I love writing and it gives me a lot of joy. Also, I am manifesting a new version of myself, one that keeps her word to others, but also to myself. So here we have it, my first post. I like to be inspired by ideas to write about. In my childhood, it was made clear to me that my ideas and thoughts did not matter. As an adult, I have repeated these belief systems by having relationships were my voice was taken away or I was giving the silent treatment for sharing my thoughts, even called names for speaking my truths. So yeah, I am not a stranger of where this anxiety is coming from. Today however, I made a difficult phone call that I would have avoided in the past. Now, I am writing my first blog. Let this be the day I will remember as the day where I slowly started to change my timeline and my life!
This is the part that makes me feel the most naked, the most afraid. I have big dreams, I want to make a difference in the world. I want to help people on their journey in life however I can. It is my dream and my goal but the actually doing it feels a lot harder. When you have experienced trauma in your life (haven’t we all), it forms a falls belief that becomes a challenge to break trough later in life. Our nervous system is build to protect us, anything that we are used to, it will allow. Even if that means staying small, in abusive situations and so on. Our nervous system has learned how to navigate those types of things, even though they are extremely painful to go through. Unfortunately, leaving that “comfort” is challenging for the nervous system and takes some effort and love.
If you ask me what this blog would be about, I could not tell you the answer right now. I think I will be writing about real life things that come up. Manifestations, tarots, universal law, self love, self development and improvement, childhood trauma, narcissistic relationships and coming back home to yourself are some of my experiences in life and where I can talk a lot about. If there is a subject you would like me to dive in to, let me know! Don’t hesitate as you will release me of this agonizing void inside my body when I decide to sit down and write. LOL! Also, I am an native Dutch speaker but live in America. If you would like more posts in Dutch, you got it! Just let me know!
Also, if you recognize yourself in this, know that you are not alone. We are all here to learn and to learn from each other. In the first place, be gentle with yourself as you navigate this new phase in your life.
Love,
Vanessa
Wholeheartedly 
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