I have had a spiritual awakening about a decade ago, my first dark night of the soul. A dark night of the soul is the collapse of the life you were living. Something happened in your life, mostly a painful or life changing event that leads you to awaking of the Soul and the Universe. A dark night of the soul is intense and painful. It feels like going trough a rabbit hole, at least it did to me as I remember my first one during my first divorce.
My world was spinning and I had no where to turn. So I turned within. I discovered that everything I believed about life wasn’t true and I had to figure out what was. I found the books and people I needed to discover what seemed true to me. I have been on this journey for the past 11 years.
During my spiritual awakening and dark night of the soul I never experienced an ego death. I thought I did but looking back, I was still full of judgment for others… then earlier this week…
I had reached a life altering breakdown and breaking point. A situation in my life just felt unbearable. There was nowhere to go, it was just a dead end. I had been frantically looking and forcing solutions that were never going to work out. I was pushed to my limits for weeks. I was feeling anxious about my situation and sick to my stomach.
Earlier this week a catalyst happened where I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I screamed to the Universe how unfair this all has been, how I am trying so hard with no breakthroughs, no positive changes. At this point I was not willing to continue like this. I demanded a clear sign, a breakthrough, something!!
After that moment, I collected all my tears, desperation and frustration and started making dinner. At this point my anxiety about my situation had not changed. It felt it strongly in my body, but this time I could observe it and not be swept under its waves. It felt as if someone was holding my throat and grabbing my chest or putting heavy weight on it. It was unbearable but I could stand to feel it, I did not want or needed to numb the feeling as I previously would have.
I got a nudge to regulate trough it and to keep doing this every time the anxiety came back. I think it lasted for what it felt like 30 min but I don’t really know. It came back later that night but it was not as intense. I remember the next day doing the same but the anxiety was barely there. By this point, peace had come over me that I had not yet experienced in my life.
That night I was guided to two YouTube channels. Their discussions were about manifestation and energy work. That becoming a different person means having a higher vibration and different energy signature.
Before my breakdown/ breakthrough, I had been doing all the things to manifest money and a happier life. Nothing was working. Suddenly, I was able to realize that I have been waking up early to do yoga and mediation from the vibration I already was. I complained to get up early and do the things. 🙂
I realized I was still in survival. I had the epiphany that I needed to change my energy and start from within.
This shifted everything for me. I suddenly started having different types of feelings and ideas of what I want to create. It became more centered around giving back and loving people. I have become less judgmental and more patient with the world and people around me. Grudges I was holding all dissipated. A peace has come over me that I have never felt before. I like it here and suddenly life feels easier and calm. My goal is to keep working on this level of vibration and to release the old completely.
I don’t know if this was 100% ego death. The signs say it is but maybe it was a kundalini awakening. I know for sure I am holding on to this higher vibration as life feels easier here.
What I do know is that I was guided by a higher power and I can feel their presence around me. I was heard in an instant and held so very lovingly that I cannot stop thinking about the support I felt. I want to be that support for others as well. No matter what it was, it definitely changed me.
Sending love,
Vanessa
